FADE IN:

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY - PRESENT DAY

IT'S NOT NECESSARY TO PUT "PRESENT DAY" IN A SCENE HEADING -- THE ASSUMPTION IS THAT THE STORY IS CONTEMPORARY, UNLESS YOU SAY OTHERWISE.

In a sterile, white room, ˛SOME DETAILS AND A MORE VIVID DESCRIPTION HERE WOULD BE HELPFUL IN ORDER TO DRAW US INTO THE SCENE  ˇROGER, IF ROGER IS A MAJOR CHARACTER, GIVE HIS LAST NAME; IF HE'S NOT, HE PROBABLY SHOULDN'T BE THE FIRST CHARACTER INTRODUCED 30's, an emaciated man AGAIN, SOME MORE VIVID DESCRIPTION WOULD DRAW US INTO THIS CHARACTER -- A COUPLE DETAILS TO GIVE SOME BETTER SENSE OF WHO HE IS with AIDS, THE AUDIENCE WON'T KNOW THIS JUST FROM LOOKING AT HIM, SO YOU CAN'T INCLUDE IT.  YOU CAN ONLY TELL THE READER WHAT THE AUDIENCE WILL KNOW BY WATCHING THE MOVIE.  HIS PARTICULAR DISEASE WILL BE REVEALED IN DIALOGUE lies in a narrow bed.  Tubes of oxygen run through his nose.  He looks weakly up at his lover, a genetic researcher AGAIN, THIS ISN'T VISIBLE -- THE AUDIENCE WON'T KNOW THEY ARE LOVERS, AND WON'T KNOW WHAT HIS JOB IS named CLIVE, NO NEED TO SAY "NAMED" CLIVE 30's, who holds his hand. ˛ THIS IS A GOOD WAY TO CREATE IMMEDIATE EMPATHY FOR CLIVE: HE IS A VICTIM (HIS LOVER IS SICK) AND HE'S A GOOD PERSON (COMFORTING ROGER BY HOLDING HIS HAND).

CLIVE

You can't give up, Roger.  You've got to hang on.  THIS IS PRETTY HACKNEYED AND ON THE NOSE.

ROGER

I'm tired.  JUST LOOKING UP WITH A SAD, EXHAUSTED EXPRESSION WOULD PROBABLY BE BETTER - OFTEN THE BEST DIALOGUE IS NO DIALOGUE AT ALL.

CLIVE

I've discovered hemophiliacs who've been exposed several times to HIV, but have never contracted the virus.  IF ROGER HAS AIDS, HASN'T HE ALREADY CONTRACTED THE VIRUS?

Roger appears interested.  KIND OF FLAT.  A MORE SPECIFIC DESCRIPTION OF HOW HIS EXPRESSION CHANGES COULD HELP.

CLIVE

Researching their DNA, I found that they share a gene mutation called C-R-5-DELTA-THIRTY-TWO NO NEED TO INCLUDE THE SCIENTIFIC FORMULA that blocks the virus from attaching itself to cell receptors. 

We've dated this gene mutation back to around the middle of the fourteenth century.  And then it dawned on me.  That's when the worst disaster in human history happened - the Bubonic Plague.  THE DIALOGUE HAS BECOME A CLASS LECTURE RATHER THAN A CONVERSATION.

ROGER

The plague?

CLIVE

(nods DON'T TELL THE ACTORS HOW TO DELIVER THEIR LINES, AND DON'T ADD LITTLE GESTURES TO THE ACTION, UNLESS THE GESTURE IS CONTRADICTORY TO THE MEANING OF THE DIALOGUE)

Thinking there had to be a connection, I went to the national archives and researched all known survivors during that time.  In an old journal, I found a record of an extraordinary woman who lived during the plague.  Shall I tell you about her?

Roger nods.

CLIVE

Her name was Katherine D'Aimery...

HERE'S THE MAJOR WEAKNESS OF THIS SCENE: WE ARE INTRODUCED TO A DYING MAN AND HIS LOVER, WHO COMFORTS HIM AT HIS BEDSIDE.  BUT INSTEAD OF INTERACTING IN A BELIEVABLE, EMOTIONAL WAY, THE LOVER PRESENTS A FLAT, EXPOSITORY SPEECH ABOUT HIS SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH, LEADING TO A STORY ABOUT SOMEONE SURVIVING THE PLAGUE.  NOT ONLY DOES THIS PREVENT ANY EMOTIONAL INVOLVEMENT WITH THESE TWO PEOPLE, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO BELIEVE.  THESE TWO PEOPLE SIMPLY WOULDN'T TALK THIS WAY IN THIS SITUATION. 

IF CLIVE IS TELLING ROGER THAT HE THINKS HE'S FOUND A POSSIBLE TREATMENT THAT WILL HELP HIM, HE'D SAY THAT. HE'D EXCITEDLY SAY THAT HE'D BEEN RESEARCHING THE PLAGUE, AND DISCOVERED THAT THE SURVIVORS ALL HAD A GENE THAT CAN BE MANUFACTURED, OR THAT THEY ALL TOOK ICE BATHS, OR ATE TURNIPS, OR WHATEVER.  THEN HE'D START TALKING ABOUT HOW THIS CAN HELP ROGER.

IF THE GOAL IS TO CREATE A BOOKEND OPENING, THEN LEAD US INTO THE STORY IN A LOGICAL CONTEXT: A RESEARCHER DISCOVERS, AND BEGINS READING, THE DIARY A PLAGUE SURVIVOR; OR A RESEARCHER IS DOING AUTOPSIES ON THE REMAINS OF SOME PLAGUE SURVIVORS, AND AS HE SEARCHES FOR SOME COMMONALITY, WE DISSOLVE BACK TO SEE THE STORY OF ONE OF THEM, WHICH LEADS US INTO TWO PARALLEL STORIES THAT WILL CARRY THROUGH THE SCRIPT.

EXT. CHURCH CEMETERY - DAY -

Dark clouds fill the sky.  Except for the occasional SCREECH IT'S NOT A HARD AND FAST RULE, BUT I'D AVOID PUTTING SOUND EFFECTS IN CAPITAL LETTERS.  THOUGH YOU'LL SEE IT DONE IN LOTS OF SHOOTING SCRIPTS, IT'S DISTRACTING TO READERS OF A SUBMISSION SCRIPT of a crow, it's unnaturally quiet.

In an English village, AGAIN, DRAW US INTO THE SETTING WITH SOME VIVID DETAIL.  AND DESCRIBE THE CEMETERY.  IT ISN'T ENOUGH TO PUT IT IN THE SCENE HEADING -- YOU MUST SAY WHERE WE ARE IN THE BODY OF THE SCENE AS WELL an elderly priest, FATHER PETER, 70's, OMIT HIS AGE -- SAYING HE'S ELDERLY IS SUFFICIENT and a small girl, KATHERINE, 7, stand in front of five fresh graves.

FATHER PETER

One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh, but the earth abideth forever.  Amen.

Father Peter wipes his rough hands on his tattered robe and turns to the little girl.

FATHER PETER

Your parents are in a better place, Katherine.  They're in God's hands, now.

KATHERINE

And my brothers, Father?

FATHER PETER

Your brothers are with Jesus.

WHEN I READ A SCREENPLAY, I'M A STICKLER FOR LOGIC, AND ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T SEEM LOGICAL OR REAL PULLS ME OUT OF THE STORY.  IN READING A SCENE LIKE THIS, I CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW THIS COULD TAKE PLACE.  IF THIS IS THE FUNERAL FOR HER WHOLE FAMILY, WHERE IS EVERYONE ELSE?  IF THE GIRL HAS NO REMAINING FRIENDS OR RELATIVES, WHO DUG THE GRAVES?  IF THEY HAD THE PLAGUE, ISN'T IT UNLIKELY THAT FIVE FAMILY MEMBERS ALL DIED AT ONCE?  WOULDN'T ONE OR TWO OF THE GRAVES BE FRESH, BUT THE OTHERS OLDER?  AND WHY WOULDN'T HE SAY THAT HER FAMILY WAS IN GOD'S HANDS, RATHER THAN JUST MENTIONING HER PARENTS?

ADMITTEDLY, THESE ARE PRETTY PICKY QUESTIONS.  MOST READERS MIGHT NOT WONDER ABOUT THESE DETAILS.  BUT SOME WOULD -- AND EVERY TIME A READER QUESTIONS LOGIC OR CREDIBILITY, OR FAILS TO GET A PICTURE OF THE SETTING, OR ENCOUNTERS INCORRECT FORMAT OR EVEN A TYPO, IT DISSIPATES HER EMOTIONAL INVOLVEMENT IN THE SCRIPT.

LORD ROBERT, 20's, an athletic nobleman who exudes power, BE SPECIFIC rides up to the gates of the cemetery with four of his men.  USE ALL CAPS FOR ANY NEW CHARACTERS, EVEN IF THEY AREN'T NAMED.

He leaps off his horse and strides across the overgrown grounds.

FATHER PETER

Lord Robert!

LORD ROBERT

Aye.

FATHER PETER

I'm sorry.  I couldn't wait.  Under the circumstances, I thought it best to bury the family immediately.

LORD ROBERT

You were lucky to find someone who was willing to bury them.

FATHER PETER

There was no one left.  I dug their graves myself.

THIS DIALOGUE SEEMS MUCH MORE NATURAL AND EFFECTIVE TO ME.  IT'S CREDIBLE, IT FITS THE SITUATION, IT GIVE US LOTS OF INFORMATION WITHOUT "ANNOUNCING" THE EXPOSITION, AND IT'S EMOTIONALLY INVOLVING.  THE LINES "I COULDN'T WAIT" AND "THERE WAS NO ONE LEFT" SKILLFULLY CONVEY THE HORROR AND DEVASTATION OF THE PLAGUE.

The elderly priest turns his hand up.  Lord Robert grimaces at his cracked and blistered palms.

AS YOU SEE, SOME OF MY ISSUES ABOVE WERE ADDRESSED HERE. BUT I LEFT MY COMMENTS SO YOU COULD SEE HOW I REACTED AS I FIRST READ THE SCENE. TO PREVENT THIS, THE SCENE COULD HAVE OPENED WITH THE PRIEST SHOVELING THE LAST OF THE DIRT OVER THE FINAL GRAVE, AND A MORE VIVID DESCRIPTION OF HOW DIRTY AND SWEATY HE WAS FROM THE LABOR.

ONE FINAL COMMENT ABOUT THIS OPENING, THOUGH IT RELATES TO STORY CONCEPT RATHER THAN STYLE. IF I WERE A READER FOR AN AGENT OR PRODUCER AND READ THIS FAR, I'D IMMEDIATELY WONDER WHAT THE MARKET FOR THE FILM WOULD BE. PERIOD PIECES, OTHER THAN BIOGRAPHIES OF VERY FAMOUS PEOPLE OR ADAPTATIONS OF BEST SELLING NOVELS, ARE NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SELL. ADD TO THAT A DIFFICULT SUBJECT MATTER (AIDS) AND A VERY SERIOUS TONE (RATHER THAN THE LIGHTER TONE OF AN ADVENTURE OR FANTASY), AND YOU HAVE A STORY THAT WILL BE A STEEP UPHILL BATTLE FOR ANYONE TO GET PRODUCED - OR EVEN TO GET READ.

I REALIZE THIS IS HARD TO HEAR, BUT THE PURPOSE OF AN OPENING SCENE ISN'T ONLY TO GRAB THE READER EMOTIONALLY; IT'S TO MAKE THEM THINK, "WOW -- THIS IS A STORY THE MASS AUDIENCE WILL FLOCK TO!" WHEN YOU WRITE A SCRIPT OR A NOVEL THAT DOES THAT, YOU'RE GUARANTEED SUCCESS.