MY COMMENTS:

In my work as a consultant, my goal is always to help writers and filmmakers improve the stories and scripts. whether they're creating an original story outline or screenplay, or writing another draft. So by definition, my work is always about changing: developing, rewriting, rewriting again, and again, and again. _The Cowrite script presents a unique situation: moving forward in a story for which there is no overall outline, and for which rewriting is not an option – at least not until the contest is over. So I have to be focused on the things that need to happen in the next 10 pages and beyond, while at the same time mentioning elements of what's in the script so far that are instructional, and will be worth considering once this project does go into rewrites. 

To begin with, I think that overall the script has a strong foundation – a fun, commercial premise with some good characters and lots of opportunity for action and conflict. The script does an excellent job of creating empathy with the hero – Jonas is sympathetic (a nerdy outsider who struggles to do three pull-ups), likeable (considerate of his neighbor and well liked by his best friend), and to some extent funny and good at what he does (clever at spy and computer stuff).

The "outside action" prologue creates immediate conflict and emotion and introduces a powerful villain. And the first key turning point (what I refer to as the OPPORTUNITY) – witnessing the break in – occurs at the 10% mark, as it should. Cable (and Raul), Walters and Nora have the potential to fill the roles of Nemesis (and his henchman), Reflection and Romance, and enough action and surprise follows to keep us emotionally involved. So far so good.

Now here's what to consider for the next 10 pages (and beyond):

1. Establish a clearer OUTER MOTIVATION. This is my term for the essential, visible end point or finish line that the hero is determined to reach by the end of the movie. Right now we know that Jonas has to do something about this Conquest data system high-tech weapon gizmo, but what is he going to do? Destroy it? Get it to the CIA? Sell it on E Bay? This goal should have been established at the 25% mark – no later than page 30, if this is a 120 page script (and it better not be any longer than that). Since it hasn't been, his goal must be defined and declared immediately at the beginning of the next section.

2. Stay with the hero. This is Jonas' story, not Walters' or Ava's. So stay with Jonas' point of view. On rare occasion it's OK to cut away to Walters and Ava, or to Cable and the bad guys, to create superior position and anticipation. But always keep the hero in the driver's seat.

3. Define Jonas more clearly. At first I thought this was a story about a loner who dreams of being a spy because it's so far away from the withdrawn, sad life he lives. But then he becomes a kid who gregariously pushes test answers or term papers, who seems to know as much as a CIA agent already, has more electronics than a Fry's warehouse, and can recognize the sound of an exploding missile without showing any fear at all. I'd get him back to being the nerdy loner who's completely out of his depth. That character is more believable, and it heightens the conflict, which will greatly increase our emotional involvement. Which brings us to:

4. Keep the story credible. Sure, this is a fantasy action film. But it must be internally logical. Once the ground rules are set, stick to them. No CIA agent (or Homeland Security agent) would allow a teenager to jeopardize his mission. So have Jonas and his pals working on their own, sneaking away after becoming suspicious of Walters and Ava. Now they can be pursued by the bad guys AND Walters and Ava (who are trying to get to them first to rescue them and get back the device). Force Jonas to achieve this goal without access to a whole lot of spy equipment and weaponry, so he's just an everyday kid thrust into an overwhelming situation.

5. Bring out more of Jonas' inner life. Action movies don't need deep character arcs, but it would be nice if we had more of a sense of the hero's inner conflict. We want to see him grow in some way as he pursues his goal of saving the world. Does he have to learn to believe in himself? Does he live in a fantasy world and have to learn to accept reality? Does he have to risk connecting with, and trusting, others in order to succeed? Jonas is presented as a kid with no father, whose mother seems completely absent from his life. It's conceivable that any of these issues could result from the buried pain of that situation.

6. Keep things moving. Avoid scenes of lengthy dialogue created to explain what we're seeing. We don't need detailed information or descriptions of the device – it's just the McGuffin (what Hitchcock described as the thing that the characters care deeply about, that the audience doesn't care about at all). We know it's a bad weapon. That's enough. What we care about is what Jonas and the gang will DO to save the world – and to overcome the visible obstacles they're up against.

7. Create a ticking clock. Whatever they have to do to stop this device from falling into the wrong hands, or blowing up, give them a severe time limit for doing so – and announce how much time they've got left. ("If we don't get this to Langley, Virginia, in 24 hours, it will launch the nuclear missiles!") Try to come up with something a bit less clichéd and over-the-top than that (this is why I'm a consultant and not a writer). But you get the idea.

8. Create anticipation. Every once in a while, a bomb can go off unexpectedly, but usually you want us to know things the hero doesn't know – that Cable is tracking them on their cell phones, that their brakes have been tampered with, or that Jason Voorhees is waiting in the closet (Oh, wait – wrong franchise…). This allows us to anticipate conflict to come, which will sustain the reader's emotional involvement much longer than an unexpected surprise.

9. Don't fall in love with plot twists. A big reveal can throw the audience off balance, but too many will give them vertigo, and they'll stop caring. I understand the temptation – when you've only got 10 pages to prove your talent, it's hard to resist throwing in an unexpected curve. For example, when the Masked Spy turns out to be a woman, that's a nice surprise. But when Oh-my-god she’s Walters’ ex! And then Oh-my-god she’s married to Cable are piled on it stretches credibility past the breaking point.

10. Having said that, now that those particular plot elements have been introduced, you have the opportunity to set up an interesting parallel: Jonah's growing relationship with Nora, compared to Walters' falling back in love with Ava. I'd make it clear that even though she left Walters for Cable, she dumped Cable long ago – even before she found out he was a traitor. Then explore why she left Walters in the first place, giving you the opportunity to give Walters an arc of his own – he'll have to act differently towards her, or his job, or something in order to win her back. In this scenario, you'll be making Walters an almost equal hero to Jonah (which will necessitate introducing Walters separately in the first 10 pages in the rewrite. But it might be worth the effort.)

This last item brings us back to what I said in the beginning about rewriting. But even forgetting about that issue for now, there's plenty here to move forward with. And whoever wins the competition for the next ten pages will have brought the story into clearer focus, setting the hero on a clearly defined path and introducing deeper elements to the characters as well.

I hope this proves helpful. If you have any questions about anything I've said, post them in the Cowrite forum, and I'll answer them by next week. And be sure to visit my web site at www.ScreenplayMastery.com for more articles and explanations of some of the concepts I've mentioned, plus information on my one-on-one coaching and consultation.

Thanks for this opportunity. And good luck with the contest!

- Michael Hauge

Q&A

1) How much would you say that your timing is driven by Piaget-et-al research into brain-registers (what you remember, and when you remember it).... This is Adult Basic Education stuff I was supposed to learn [*] in UCLA classes/seminars back ca 1982... And it might restrict looser percentages to absolute seconds-of-time on the screen...! Interesting? N'yes'o? There'd be half-reminding suspense, and second-before-you-recall excitement ... you could program your audience like Pavlov's Dogs to jump, rollover, play dead, without them knowing how you found out....

* [I found the subject objectionable on the ground they researched people given to perfunctory habitual-living analyses probably-not exercising all -113- brain muscles... i.e. flavorless vegetables-- with whom I'd probably never associate-- except they manned the State Government Public Access Room... or other....]

A: Because I have a Master’s Degree in Early Childhood Education, I am familiar with Piaget, and have a firm grasp of how to pronounce his name. Sadly, that’s the extent of what I remember about Piaget, so I am unable to answer – or even understand – your question. However, programming your audience is EXACTLY what the goal of your screenplay should be. Not to rollover and play dead (which would disrupt the movie theater and probably cost you ticket sales), but to experience the emotions your story should elicit.

2) Several members of the community reacted unfavorably to the 2ND TEN PAGES selection, suggesting in so many words that it did not deserve the winning vote. I was unable to submit on the 1st and 2nd rounds, but I must confess, after reading Karl Gerhardt’s 2ND TEN submission (nicely done, Karl), I too am left wondering, what happened. Michael, I was hoping you could set the record straight for everyone and detail (briefly) what worked for Lauren Hynek and Elizabeth Martin’s winning 2ND TEN PAGES? Where do Karl Gerhardt’s pages fail?

A: This is one reason this contest is so valuable – it gives you a good experience of what life will be like as a professional screenwriter. You’ll ALWAYS think there was a better way to tell the story, you’ll repeatedly wonder why your script or pitch wasn’t chosen, and you’ll be forced to get used to frustration, anger and rejection. But it will also teach you to look for the reasons that readers, agents, producers and (most of all) the mass audience did or didn’t respond to what was on the page. So seeing a movie you don’t like, or reading a script you find weak, is never a waste of time – it can always be instructive. Then you just have to funnel all those emotions into a determination to make your own writing better than the stuff you didn’t care for.

As to Karl’s pages vs. Lauren and Elizabeth’s, I only read what was posted, and to me the pages contained lots of strong elements (as I said), and some things that could be improved upon in the future (as I always say). So congratulations to Lauren and Elizabeth, and good luck to Karl on his next submission. And not to worry; in the long run, skill, talent and perseverance ALWAYS pay off.

3) Michael, I am interested in learning exactly how you got to be a script consultant. Specifically, what was your first writing-related job and what was your career path to get to your present position? I thought your Pro's Take was brilliant and I feel that I have already learned a LOT from you. Thanks for your answer!

A: Thanks for the kind words – and for not asking me about any French psychologists. When I moved to Hollywood from Oregon to break into the movie business, I began by taking classes at Sherwood Oaks College. There I learned to do coverage, then got a job as a reader for an agent, which led me to a job reading for one of his producer clients, who eventually made me his head of development. I held that job for several production companies, and at the same time began lecturing about screenwriting, which led to my book Writing Screenplays That Sell, which led to my consulting for screenwriters – and eventually directors and productions companies. All of those early jobs as a reader gave me the opportunity to read a LOT of terrible screenplays, and figure out how they differed from the ones that got sold and produced. That understanding has formed the basis of all my coaching, writing and lecturing - everything I’ve done since. That and my deep understanding of Piaget.

- Michael Hauge